The $3.50 Gourmet

Usually, this blog is all about joking. But this is no joke. I am about to tell you the best meal a human being can eat, and get this… It’s going to cost you about $3.50. Don’t believe the people who talk about fancy steaks or some fish-egg-clam-squid crap. That is all lies. I have discovered the truest, most #1 delicious combination of one entrée and one beverage known to mankind… ever. Sometimes I go to bed wishing I could be awake and hungry just so I can eat this meal again.

Hopefully, I haven’t built it up too much. Oh wait, THERE IS NO SUCH THING.

Let’s start with the beverage, because you will want to do this classy-style. Say an italicized hello to Propel Enhanced Water. How is it enhanced? With deliciousness. Allegedly this is a Pepsi product and manufactured by Gatorade, but not the Blueberry Acai flavor. That flavor is made by God.

When I went to their site to do research, the first thing I thought was, “How can I get a bottle that big?” It was even bigger than the one pictured to the left, and I don’t mean a bigger picture of a bottle, I mean a big bottle in a picture. That would be ideal for this mouth-watering meal you are about to consume. The bigger the bottle, the better.

Don’t believe those liars and sycophants who tell you to get some expensive wine. You won’t need to mortgage your trailer because this bottle of heaven only costs 99 cents. At the time of my research, the local Vons is selling these things for 78 cents. It might be worth driving in Los Angeles to pick one up. Yes, even Los Angeles traffic is worth braving to suck on this flavor grenade. By the way, it sometimes goes by the flavor tag, “Blueberry Pomegranate,” but I’ve tried both kinds and they are the same and both are “infused with the anti-oxidant powers of Vitamins C and E.”

Now, onto the main course. What goes best with Propel Enhanced Water in Blueberry Acai flavor?

Trick question. Everything goes best with Propel Enhanced Water in Blueberry Acai flavor. That’s why the entree you’ll need to complete this savory journey is the only thing that is equally delicious.

Let me introduce you to the most mouth-watering, microwaveable, quasi-calzone taste sensation on the planet. It is the Barbecue Beef flavored Hot Pocket. Some people call them “stuffed sandwiches,” I call them 340 calories of nirvana. The secret is undeniably in the barbecue sauce, or the 25% of your daily recommended value of saturated fat each one of these babies is packing.

It’s that sweet tang in the Barbecue sauce, or as it’s called on the non-descript bottle making a token, blurry appearance on the packaging, “Bar-B-Q Sauce,” that dovetails off the Enhanced Water to make your brain melt. The beef in these things is probably cow-ass or worse, but it doesn’t matter when it’s wrapped in that fatty dough and slathered with the most delectable and blandly packaged sauce you’ve ever had.

Don’t listen to whiners who tell you Hot Pockets aren’t good for you and don’t listen to the geeks who think all Hot Pockets are created equally. Especially don’t listen to this hack who clearly got his culinary degree at the University of Faux-Hawk. I’ve tried pizza, and philly cheesesteak, and cheese quesadilla and even the iconic ham and cheese, but this is the best hottest pocket you can get in 1 and a half minutes.

The Hot Pockets will set you back $2-2.50, and don’t kid yourself, you’re going to be eating both. That brings the total on this masterpiece to $3.50, so you can eat this meal every day, and once you try it you’ll want to, because everything else will have the flavor of sadness.